Herb Allen: We’ve got a real treat for you tonight. This room is packed full of high-performing individuals. We’ve all become masters in the industry in which we are working but as great as our accomplishments have been, none of us can claim to be the “World’s Fastest Man” other than our keynote speaker tonight, Usain Bolt!
[Applause… “It’s Getting Hot In Here” plays as Usain Bolt goes to the podium.]
Usain Bolt: Thank you. Thank you so much. Great. Thanks to Herb Allen. Dinner was excellent. Really love the chocolate fountain. Very happy that I run fast because after that dinner, I may have to run the toilet. You know what I’m saying? Jeff Bezos knows – look at that painful smile – that’s from the marble cake, my friend! I saw you walking around earlier, Jeff, you’re supposed to check your guns at the gate. Bro, nice arms. You’ve been working out. Probably from lifting all those boxes and putting them in trucks.
[A few chuckles in the crowd.]
Usain Bolt: Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. Whew, a lot rich people in here. Every person in this room could call the point one percent their bitches.
[More laughs.]
Usain Bolt: Sorry for my language. That’s not a nice thing to say. To the lady in the room here, I apologize.
[A couple of ‘boos’…]
Usain Bolt: You hear a lot about diversity. We’ve been trying to get more diverse in track and field. We’re starting to allow those who aren’t as fast or strong into competition just to give everybody a fair chance.
[Laughs.]
Usain Bolt: I see Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are in the house.
[Some applause.]
Usain Bolt: Jared, I bet right now you wish you could run as fast as me.
[Laughs.]
Usain Bolt: Unfortunately, you can’t run from controversy, my friend. Colluding with the Russians, huh?
Herb Allen (off mic): We’re not talking about politics tonight, Usain.
Usain Bolt: OK, Herb. I’ll lay off the traitor. Funny, you never hear about governments colluding with the Jamaicans. We probably had a lot of the same information on Hillary but we’re always so baked it’s hard to keep it straight. Right? But I kid the people of my homeland…
[Laughs.]
Usain Bolt: A lot of Hollywood moguls here tonight. Are you guys gonna be OK? I worry about you guys. Are you behind on your rent? You need a loan – Warren Buffett is right over there – he writes checks to everybody in need. Every day people say movies are dead. TV is dead. I think that’s bullshit. You’ll be fine. I don’t have a joke – it’s just what I believe. Except Manka Brothers – where’s Khan Manka? Dude, you guys suck. I’m kidding my brother from another brother… except for that last thing I said, you guys really do suck.
[Laughs.]
[Applause… “It’s Getting Hot In Here” plays as Usain Bolt goes to the podium.]
Usain Bolt: Thank you. Thank you so much. Great. Thanks to Herb Allen. Dinner was excellent. Really love the chocolate fountain. Very happy that I run fast because after that dinner, I may have to run the toilet. You know what I’m saying? Jeff Bezos knows – look at that painful smile – that’s from the marble cake, my friend! I saw you walking around earlier, Jeff, you’re supposed to check your guns at the gate. Bro, nice arms. You’ve been working out. Probably from lifting all those boxes and putting them in trucks.
[A few chuckles in the crowd.]
Usain Bolt: Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. Whew, a lot rich people in here. Every person in this room could call the point one percent their bitches.
[More laughs.]
Usain Bolt: Sorry for my language. That’s not a nice thing to say. To the lady in the room here, I apologize.
[A couple of ‘boos’…]
Usain Bolt: You hear a lot about diversity. We’ve been trying to get more diverse in track and field. We’re starting to allow those who aren’t as fast or strong into competition just to give everybody a fair chance.
[Laughs.]
Usain Bolt: I see Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are in the house.
[Some applause.]
Usain Bolt: Jared, I bet right now you wish you could run as fast as me.
[Laughs.]
Usain Bolt: Unfortunately, you can’t run from controversy, my friend. Colluding with the Russians, huh?
Herb Allen (off mic): We’re not talking about politics tonight, Usain.
Usain Bolt: OK, Herb. I’ll lay off the traitor. Funny, you never hear about governments colluding with the Jamaicans. We probably had a lot of the same information on Hillary but we’re always so baked it’s hard to keep it straight. Right? But I kid the people of my homeland…
[Laughs.]
Usain Bolt: A lot of Hollywood moguls here tonight. Are you guys gonna be OK? I worry about you guys. Are you behind on your rent? You need a loan – Warren Buffett is right over there – he writes checks to everybody in need. Every day people say movies are dead. TV is dead. I think that’s bullshit. You’ll be fine. I don’t have a joke – it’s just what I believe. Except Manka Brothers – where’s Khan Manka? Dude, you guys suck. I’m kidding my brother from another brother… except for that last thing I said, you guys really do suck.
[Laughs.]
Lots more at link
