10 Tips For a 'Foreign' Coach

Whether we like it or not, the 'foreigner' is the man once they can figure out the money matters and where he will live and what kinda beer he will drink.

As a public service to the new coach, I have compiled the ten most important things for him to keep in mind as he embarks on this thankless task. Here goes...

Don't call the players lazy, poopah or monkey. This evokes plantocracy termininology. Only a West Indian can call a West Indian lazy and only a Bajan know that a monkey isn't exclusive to the animal. Also, skin tone must be observed. Work the lazy bums hard though.

2. Treat Tony Cozier a the 'doyen'. In the Bajan world that is the WICB at present, Cozier represents the mouthpiece of that body. Give him the real story or perish from his wrath. Or his silence.

3. Give Lara leeway around Carnival time. Its his culture. Make Ronnie captain, hell, make Chandy the spokesperson, but do not force Lara to miss he Carnival if West Indies are in the Caribbean. Your mission will be doomed to failure.

4. Make sure you call every player 'the best you have worked with', when you are in their country. Those who talk of insularity, pander to it.

5. Do not threaten the 'West Indian' way of batting. We like our batsmen blazing hard. If you build a grafting Test team it better work quick. See Roger Harper for evidence.

6. Never mention 'back in Australia'. Reminders that we can learn from others is deeply resented and should be avoided. After all, they learnt from us, why should we learn from them.

7. Do not argue with Viv. He weighs more than you, and possesses a very hard skull. You will be KO'd. Ask Marlon.

8. Sing 'Rally round the West Indies' at every opportunity and talk about your period of time spent as a freedom fighter. The 'back to WI posse' will warm to you if your nationality is put in the background. Then again, a suntan isn't such a bad idea.

9. Make your reporting more public. Whispers destroy team morale. This West Indies team has more talk floating around it than any other team in world cricket.

10. If you ain't married, get a West Indian girlfriend. After all, if our captains don't go local, our coach can get some points for showing them the way.