Vultures and Rum Drinkers

Percy Patson here chaps, feeling dreadfully sorry but as each day of the English series passes my English twang gets stronger and stronger. My West Indian flag has literally gone limp with embarrassment and my bounce has become a frightful waddle.

None of this is close to what dear ole Brian Lara is facing these days. Now, don't get me wrong, a more pompous jackass you couldn't get at times (not counting the Lord's gatekeeper) but I don't know how it's Lara's fault that this bling-bling bunch can't win a session, let alone a game.

Come to think of it, if I had the skills, records, and general crap support of this West Indies team as he has, I too would be Napoleon in whites. Then again, to my eternal gratitude, I'm not short or bald either.

Back to the point. Poor Lara (oxymoron considering how much moolah he rakes in) has to time and time again deal with a brainless supporting cast and a group of veteran rum drinkers masking as an administrative body.

Now, it's duck shooting season and Lara is main duck. But when you consider that the WICB does nothing and will react to this continuing debacle like any Englishman after he has had a few pints on a Friday night - doing absolutely nothing.

Okay, Percy doesn't mind stray English women with drunk husbands at home. But when my cricket team gets savaged by Englishmen and my so called administrators are the ones with the drink in their hands, snoring away back in the Caribbean, I take offence.

So here I am, crap team touring, Lara not even with the swagger to fillet a few English lasses for the English press, and none of the superior grade rum that the WICB chaps have access to.

Pardon me chaps if I seem a bit of a prat myself. Having watched Bishop, Holding and generally any West Indian commentator of repute throwing low blows, I felt I had to get mines in as well. Prat by TV association that makes me.

Considering what Lara has to put up with, I think I will take up rum drinking and call myself a WICB official. That should grant me anonymity from any criticism by TV prats.

Oh, and I'll throw in a nice little goody as well. I'll do nothing and get paid too.