Message Board Archives

With the racest posts and so on, I think ppl R too eager waiting for the new year that they R getting frustrated.
Let's try to settle things down with a joke thread.

This one is old, but still good.
Don't go boxing week special shopping at Walmart!
One Day at Walmart
A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The
clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special'.
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager. In front of a growing crowd of customers, the manager confronts the woman and asks
"Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Once again,
the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"
Doing so, she draws and even larger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying bthat?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I AM GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

😁🤣

Another one I'm sure the Jamaicans know.

Contempt of Court

Jamaican Lawyers
Jamaican lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they're not prepared for the answer.
In a recent trial, a Falmouth small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes of course me know you! Mr. Williams. Me know you since you was a pickney, and wata big disappointment you is to you
family.You tell too much lie, you cheat pan you wife, you chat people and red-eye behind dem back. You tink you is a big shot now but you no realize seh you will never be more dan a two-bit paper pusher! Yes, me know you alright!!"
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, me know Mr. Bradley since him was a lickel bwoy too. Him lazy, and good fe nothing, him bigoted, and him always a gwan llike him white. Him cyant build a normal relationship with nobody. Fe him law practice a di wos ina Jamaica. Him cheat, him teef, noting no deh devious what him nuh do. A three different woman me hear seh him ave an one a dem a you missis! Yes sah, me know him well."
The defense attorney almost died of embarrassment.
The judge ordered both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If eida of you bastards ask her if she know me, ah
lock up oonu RAASS ina jail fe contempt!."
😁🤣

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

Classic

Jamaican insurance man whe drive through country used to be big shot. This show-off one him had an abnormality, man born wid 3 testicles and used every opportunity to let it be known thinking it suggests great virility.Stopped at the village square shop and in the middle of a domino game pointed to his partner a local farmer and declared. Ah bet yuh between me n dis man yuh can find 5 balls! Men started laughing and saying no sah! Bets started to climb until a large stash was on the table. Insurance man notice his partner.End start to look nervous but slapped him on the back and said "WI got dis man!" The farmer turned to him and said. " hey boss, mek sure yuh got 4 yunnuh!" #never assume nutt'n

In reply to tops

In reply to Brerzerk

In reply to Brerzerk

I am dead

Man went with a business partner for breakfast, they ordered their meal and coffee, coffee was served as ordered. Man went to the bathroom and when he returned, his coffee was black...he went "what de rass" his business partner tell him..."I can thief the milk outta yuh coffee and dat is what I did" so now let's get down to business...he fainted!

Went to San Juan once...met this couple and pronounced the city like any rookie and after minutes after telling them where I am from, they asked me on my return timeframe...I told them that it will be between "Un and Uly", they were pissed...

In reply to WestDem

Best joke I ever heard in my life.
Lil Trini-Indian guy @ UWI carnival best joke night.On her wedding night Mama gi' Gyula an 8 track tape n seh I wanna hear wha' you say on your wedding night see if U tek afta mi. Embarrassed she hid the ting unda the bed. Early morning lil brother at the door. Bleary-eyed she sneaked the tape to him.in 30 mins mama call Gyula wha' foolishness U saying. Poor bride. Mama, ah doan remember wha ah seh everything so new. Make shove tape to phone n bride hears this high pitched voice "OH WHAT HAPPINESS!" rapidly repeated over n over. Gyula said mam I don't think I was screaming nor talking fast. I think yuh playing the tape on the wrong speed. Mom play again hear same thing then changed the speed and heard this moan...Ohhhhh what a pppenisss. Faster Oh what HAPPINESS

In reply to tops

In reply to Brerzerk

Wow bro I have Z E R O idea what you just ‘seh’

In reply to Brerzerk

In reply to Halliwell
Yuh een serious? Oh what ha P nis

In reply to tops and Brerzerk






You guys make me laugh so much.

//

In reply to Chrissy
Then the best part of the joke- prize was a case of Red Stripe. The brethren was so sure no one could top that he just put the case of beer on his head and walked off. Not a judge budged.

In reply to Brerzerk
🤣

In reply to WestDem

A fella went to the nearby village to see the future bride to be, in an arranged marriage. Everything was going nice however the groom had one question, why the girl’s toes so spread out. To which her mother quickly jumped in and said ‘because in the village she walked barefoot on mud a lot’ All went well and the marriage took place. The next day the groom was rushing the bride back to her home in anger. What’s happening shouted her mother, to which the groom replied ‘I don’t mind her walking on mud a lot but it look like she sit on mud a lot too!

In reply to Raskil

Raskill this one for you because it is true..
Me and a buddy corner a man in Bourda market and rob him...but we get ketch ..( caught)
So we end up in court.. I told my buddy just follow my lead and stick to the same story ..
Magistrate straight up ask “where do you live?”
I answered “ no place of abode sir!”
Magistrate ask my buddy “where do you live ?”
My buddy replied “well ..the apartment on top at no place of abode where he live””
We rass get 6 months

In reply to CITYBOY

Yuh lie!

In reply to Halliwell

In reply to CITYBOY

Keep it up boys, U R doing well...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to
offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is
very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party."

In reply to tops

all ya hilarious!!

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

You cannot get on this bus it’s only for cricketers..
but I am on the West Indies team !!
As I said Only for cricketers !!
Gwan and catch a mini bus !!
Mini bus not taking me ... passengers pelting me!!
Leave your gear bags and shut your mouth .. you might get lucky !!

That was on Mason Show ..

How come you guys miss it ..

In reply to CITYBOY

please don't give up your day job, stick to drinking.

Once there were two wicked brothers who were involved in all kinds of evil activities.
It so happened that one died. The other one went to the preacher and said to him:
"If you call my deceased brother a saint, I will give you anything you want."
The preacher thought of it for awhile and agreed. On the day of the funeral, he said:
"Here lies one of the most vile, despicable, evil, contemptable, scoundrel, rascal that ever lived; but compare to his brother, he was a saint."

😃

In reply to tops

Staying with Nuns
3 died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter-You've all done great work but this place is so holy and pure you gotta confess your most hidden secrets. 1st nun-Once a 21yr old dying soldier asked to touch my breast I allowed him and it felt good. St. Peter- go wash it in that basin of holy water. Nun #2. I worked in a pharmacy, real cramped space this intern used to squeeze past and rub himself on my butt. It tickled, felt good andvI always choked down my giggles. St. Peter- Gonwash your b...er Sis. Bartholomew where are you going? I haven't heard your confessions yet! 3rd Nun- If you think I'm going to gargle that water after she washes her butt in it...

In reply to Brerzerk

In reply to tops



Heard that Halloween one but its hilarious.

Three guys went to steal fruit from a farm...they all got caught by the security. Security tells them that since this is the holiday season, I will not send you guys to jail if you can stuff what you stole in your arse...first guy was able to get the orange, he was free to go. Second guy came with a dunk (size of a grape), he also passed the test and was ordered to go but he started crying. Security said, "Why are you crying?". To which he responded, "My other friend waiting in line stole pineapples"...

This horny lady wanted to marry a man with the biggest wood, so she married an African and after realizing she can't handle thst wood, she did some research and decided to marry a man from China, on their wedding night, de man load up de wood and was ready for fun on his wedding night, when she saw what was coming, she yelled "Are you Chinese?" and he relied politely, "Yes", but I was born in Africa!

Why do you always see two nuns walk together?

Answer later

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?"
The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

In reply to WestDem

In reply to Chrissy
I think I know the answer, but I'll let U give it.

In reply to tops

I think i heard it before too but will wait ...

In reply to tops
So none can get none

In reply to Chrissy
Yep! But I heard of a longer version where nun go with nun to make sure nun gets none.

In reply to Chrissy

I also heard when both of them were getting on with men and one panicked and said god will be upset and the other yelled, leave me alone, this is the Master…

In reply to tops

Beautiful thread…love this more than theFL…

In reply to WestDem

In reply to tops

In reply to Chrissy

In reply to Chrissy

Man married ah beautiful lady, just before wedding done and first night about to happen, gyal went to her grandma, “ Gramma, I am not a virgin and he wants that” Gramma said okay, we can fix that, we have inks so I’ll get you the red one and throw it on the bed before sex.

Next morning there was green on the bedsheet grandma yelled at the groom “ You missed de virgin and kill de gall” Gall for the outsider is green in color…

In reply to culpepperboy

In reply to culpepperboy
Waaaaah

In reply to Chrissy
Nought + Nought = 0

This one is impromptu and never heard before and is related to all of us here in the CC.Com family! Hope I can fun to your holidays!


Went for a vacation in T&T, met this guy by the beach who was talking to both his shoulders , after numerous arguments between me and the lady earlier, I asked him, “does the sun rise in the East or the West here in T&T”… to my surprise, his response was “I am not from here, I am visiting from Niagara,Canada and by the way I own the biggest deck all the way to the 87th floor! Some people blame for being an Alien but I am a Socafighter!”

One last animal joke:

In reply to culpepperboy

In reply to Chrissy
That's sound advice.

🤣🤣In reply to culpepperboy

In reply to WestDem

One more and me gone and sleep...

There was a Jamaican woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma.
Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.
When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth, she started to panic and asked the nurse:
"Weh me pickneh dem deh!"
The nurse said, 'Tek it easy, you had twins, a girl and a boy.'
The woman then asked, Weh dem deh! Mek me see dem!"
The nurse said: "You brodah have dem, he came and name dem and a tek care a dem."
The woman bwall out: "WAH YOU MEK DAH MAN NAME ME PICKNEH DEM FOR? DAH MAN A HIDIAT! WAH HE NAME THE GYAL?"
The nurse said: "Denise!"
The woman said, O, dah is a nice name, the man is not such a hidiat after all.
She then asked: "And wah him name the bwoy?"
The Nurse said: "Denephew."
😃🤣

In reply to WestDem
Well, it looked like some ppl were getting out a hand and since me sorry for them, I thought to try a distraction. 😃

In reply to tops
Oh Gaed@@

For all of U who have work on Monday and plan not to go in, here's your excuse.

Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come in today..
My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss........"Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee...."I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

Dese Sparrow chunes shud bring out a smile

1

2

In reply to Maispwi

Nice

In reply to Chrissy
How come no one tell the old years night joke?

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Lindale. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I can be directionally challenged AND my navigation lost its signal.

I hate Sprint!!

Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the guys for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.

As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car, my head hung low but my heart so FULL.

As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I was still lost.

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

In reply to Chrissy
A man, coming home from work one day, saw his neighbour's three years old kid sitting down on their front step crying.
He asked, "What's wrong?"
The kid replied, 'my father pound his finger.'
The neighbour asked, "If your father pounded his finger, why are you crying?"
The kid replied, 'Because I laughed.'

In reply to tops


That's what's called a cut-ass

A man get ketch in town aftuh dark wid no light pon he bicycle. He ask he pardner if he could tow he tuh St. Peter. De man seh no problem. If I going too fast ring yuh bell and I gine slow down.

Everyting was going good until dem hit St. James and a man in a Capri pass de man Escort.
My man lift a gear and de race did on.

A policeman was outside Holetown Police Station when dem pass.
He run inside and and tell de Sargeant. Now Sarge before I start I ain't had a drink fuh de day.

But a Capri just pass doing bout a hundred wid an Escort on pon he bumper. But no tell of a lie a man pon a bicycle did ringing tuh overtake.

In reply to RedDuppy
😁🤣

In reply to RedDuppy
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah


Good to see you man

In reply to RedDuppy

I've heard this before but it never fails to make me laugh

Nothing like a good story from the East coast.

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying a couple of three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand.
It was four weeks after the season closed. Who should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wriggling lobsters, says:

"Well me laddie, I got you this time - with two live lobsters four weeks after the season closed!"

The Newfie says, "No my son, you are wrong! These two are trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."

The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained? Like how?"

"Well, my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters and I takes them home!"

"A likely story", the Fisheries Officer says. "Let’s take them on down the wharf and see if it’s true."

So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water . The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another.
Then another. After about 20 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie,

"How about whistling?"

The Newfie says, "What for?"

The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the lobsters."




The Newfie says, "What lobsters?"


//

In reply to Ewart

In reply to tops




//

In reply to tops

Chinese man went to live in Guyana...his name was Wang Yu...he reached out to the Catholic church to become a Christian, he was baptized, his new name became Charles. Fast forward to the next Easter.

Pastor caught Charles eating Pork on Good Friday, and tell him that he is not supposed to eat meat on Good Friday to which Charles responded " Me Wang Yu' came from China, you baptized me and called me Charles, I baptized this and called it fish"!

In reply to WestDem

YOH ALYUH!
Wah doin nah?
Dem pickneh a ask uncle question.
Dem pickneh tink them smat more than uncle, so dem seh:
"Uncle, if sat is the past tense of sit,
how come shat is not the past tense of shit?"
So, alyuh come to class!
BANGALANG-BANGALANG-BANGALANG-ANGALANGNGNGNGNGNG!
Uncle is on the podium to teach history, Alyuh Come to Class!

Well picknehs, U C, sit is a verb, but shit is an acronym.
Picknehs...HAHAHAHAHAHAH! KYAHAKYHAA HEHEHEHEHE!"Uncle, YOU TOO OLE! YOU NAH KNOW WAH YOU A TAALK BOUT...
Uncle, tek he time, and commence to teach class...:
…………………..
Ever wonda where the word shit came from … well here it is...
Once upon a time, a lang lang time ago, When dem people from Europ, including England use to ship Types of manure to the new world (which mean America), it used to be transported (as everything been back then), by ship …
well in dry form it weigh a lot less, but when wata (at sea) hit it, not only became heavy-heavy, but the process of fermentation began again, and one of the by products is methane gas …
and as the stuff been stored below decks in big bundles, you can see wha could (and did). Happen, methane began to build up below decks and the fus time someone go below at night with he lamp,... BANG!
The ship blow up! Nuff-nuff ships been destroyed in this way before dem discovered wha been a happen.
After that, the bundles of manure been always stamped with the term S.H.I.T on them which mean to them sailor man, to “Ship High In Transit”.
In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any wata that go in the ship, it would not get the manure.
Then all the ships sail prappa.
Class done!

Alyuh C how history nice-nice?
Dem pickneh laugh done. 😁🤣🤣

In reply to WestDem
True story - my mother used to bake hot cross buns for Good Friday. Every year she would send one of us over to our neighbours, the Lees
I was a pre- teen and took them over one Good Friday morning and there was Aunt Millie seasoning chicken. I asked her how come she wasn't eating fish on Good Friday. She put her hands over the chicken and said Lord if you give a damn change this fowl to fish. We both laughed.

A Chinese man went for his driver's license test. after he past everything, the examiner, wanting a bribe, asked him: "If you go to a movie, where will you park?"
Chinese man, 'I paak behind the last caa.'
examiner, "And what if there's no car?"
Chinese man: 'OOO, den, I jive go long, I jive come long and paak behind the last caa.'
examiner, "And what if there are still no cars?"
Chinese man, 'Den, I jive go long again, I jive come long again and paak behind the last caa.'
examiner, getting frustrated, yelled: "AND WHAT IF THERE IS STILL NO CAR? WHERE WILL YOU PARK?"
Chinese guy, 'ooo... then I no movie no good, I jive go home.'
😁🤣

In reply to RedDuppy

Reminds of a joke Lindy Delapenha told- His dad riding home on his cycle in the 50's. He always got a lil scared riding by the cemetery on Lyndhurst rd. But this night was different. Soon as he got near he heard a 'whooing' sound behind him and swear it was a 'Duppyman' Man sped up but duppy speed up too and getting louder. Even the hairs on the back of his neck raise up and head swell big! Man raise outa him seat an' start pump but duppy coming faster and louder, just as he felt the duppy han' reaching to grab 'im him feel sup'n brush him cross his face and suddenly realise the ribbon around his felt-hat buss and singing in the breeze like kite!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Guyana and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Guyanese are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of beers back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Irish’s offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Irishman on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Guyanese.

The Irishman says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Beers. Immediately the Guyanese tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other bar patrons cheer as the Irishman sits in amazement.

The Irishman gives the Guyanese the $500 US and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.

The Guyanese replies, “Oh…Meh had to guh to dee bar down the street fuh see if meh could do it fuss”.

In reply to Brerzerk

A buddy a mine in Bim brek curfew and went and pick a fare fuh de low low price a $10.
De following week de man was waiting in line outside de supermarket when de said same woman pass.
De poor fella like he ketch a brain freeze.
He holler out: You, you know you gimme crabbies last week?
De woman stop, tun round wid she two hand pon she hip.
She look he up and down leggo one long stupse and seh: Fuh $10 wuh you expect Lobster?

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to Chrissy

In reply to RedDuppy

During a vacation trip by a couple in London, the husband became very Ill and had to be hospitalized. O his dying bed he called his wife to come closer and whispered “ I know am about to die but I have a confession “ she responded “ what it is?” He replied “ I cheated on you with your younger sister, sorry “!

She said, “confession accepted but me did know and that’s why me poisoned yuh rass”

In reply to kgbcan
"The Guyanese replies, “Oh…Meh had to guh to dee bar down the street fuh see if meh could do it fuss”." 😁🤣🤣

O shocks! We reach a ton! Better than them racist thread, eh?

This is a serious joke.
Everytime I'm called upon to give a speech, I always use the politician to introduce my speech.
There was this politician who was giving a speech, and throughout his speech, he was touching a plaster/bandage on his face.
At the end of his speech, he apologized to his audience, saying:
"Sorry for this, pointing to his face, but while shaving this morning, I was concentrating on my speech and I cut my face."
Then someone from the audience shouted out: "Next time, concentrate on your face and cut your speech!"
😁🤣

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

The Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

In reply to Chrissy

A fella from the village saw the neighbor’s daughter in the farm going about her work. Suddenly he had a plan in mind, he grabbed a duck from the pen and headed straight towards her. She saw him and asked ‘weh yuh goin wid dat duck?’ To which he replied ‘well a wanna do an exchange wid you’ She looked at him then finally said ‘arite a wa yuh want from me?’ Ah! He said ‘gimme a lil fcuk and tek the duck’ She looked around and thought for a long time then finally said ‘ok but nuh tek long a wan small duck dat’
She went home with the duck only for her mother to start cussing and screaming at her about where she got the duck and warned her to take it back right away or else...
She went straight back to the fella and explained that her mother is going to crazy about the duck and he must take it back. He looked at her and after a moment said ‘ok it’s only fair that if I tek back me duck I have to give you back your fcuk’ She said ‘well da sound fair lewwe hurry and do back the exchange’

In reply to Raskil

In reply to tops
Great ton - leh we get a double

In reply to Chrissy
"The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."
Hilarious 😁🤣🤣🤣

In reply to tops

Wahappen tops you don’t like dem village jokes?

In reply to Raskil

Do U know the one about agility?

In reply to tops

Nope
Bring it forward

In reply to tops

That duck story missing two parts

1: It was a village in Trinidad and the girl was trying to eat some curry duck

2: She gave back the duck and went home, after explaining everything to the mother, the mother’s confused response was ‘come again?’








I just trying to rile up my Trini people

In reply to Raskil

I'm trying to calm things down and U want rile up the Trinis

3 Irish men named Mick, Pat and Tat in a pub. The barman says, "Are you all related?"
Mick said, "Yeah we're triplets."
Barman said, "Triplets!, how come you and Pat are 6ft tall and Tat is only 4ft?"
"Well", said Mick, "Me and Pat were breast fed, so there was no tit for Tat." 😁🤣

In reply to tops

That sucks!

In reply to Raskil
Good one.

In reply to Raskil
A school teacher use to B riding her bicycle to school every school day.
Every morning she use to B passing an old man grazing his cows and she use to say good morning to him, and he use to respond in kind.
One morning it rained, and as she was about to pass by the old man, her bicycle slid and she fell, and her skirt flew up.
Quick as a cat, she jumped up, pulled down her skirt, and looked around to C if anyone saw.
As sure as rain, the old man was there grazing his cows.
So, embarrassingly, she said: Good morning sir, did you see my agility?"
The old man said, alyuh young people a change everyting… lang time abi call am pu*y now alyuh call am agility...

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

In reply to Raskil

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

A father gets his son and daughter on a call and tells them your mom and I are getting divorced.

The kids are hysterical Dad you and Mom have been married 40 year's do not file any divorce paperwork until we both fly in to talk to you.

The father hangs up the phone turns to his wife and smiles and says dear they both are coming for Christmas and paying their own airfare.

In reply to Chrissy

In reply to tops

Two Chess Jokes
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

True love lasts forever
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

In reply to Chrissy

In reply to Chrissy
“I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Hilarious 🤣😁

In reply to FuzzyWuzzy
Yr mother had a sense of humour

In reply to bdaTryangle
Priorities

A traffic cop stopped a motorist in tiger bay in Georgetown for driving the wrong way.

The driver pleaded that he is late for work and very sorry. The officer ignoring him jumped into the front seat and told him to drive. Where to Sir, asked the driver assuming that they were going to the police station. The cop said to go straight, turn right then right again.

They ended up on Main Street and the cop seh stop here. He then pulled out his ticket book and wrote him a ticket for the offence.

The driver then asked him why, i did not commit any offence on Main Street. To which the cop replied - try spelling Urquhart Street and i will tear up the ticket

In reply to Chrissy

In reply to Chrissy



All at the funeral. Too funny

In reply to Kay

Don't mess with mom.

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate, Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than metthe the eye.....
Reading his mom' s thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you mustbe be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you did take the silver chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you did not take the silver chutney jar. But the fact remains, that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Kumar.

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains, that if Sunita was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver chutney jar by now. Love, Mum.

In reply to Kay

In reply to tops
Waaaaaaah

In reply to tops

I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!” He replied, “Of course! Take the afternoon off.” When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, “Well, how’d it go? Is it a boy or a girl?” I shrugged, “I don’t know...”
“I’ll tell you in nine months!”

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to Kay

Oronoque Street?

This one, I think, came directly from India.
Once upon a time, a lang, lang time ago, there were Basdeo, his wife Champa, and Basdeo had a friend them use to call Brungbai.
Soh, everyday, Brungbai use to follow Basdeo home for dinner, and so it went on for months.

Wan day, Champa ask Basdeo, "Man, how come Brungbai a come everyday foh dinna and he neva ask abi foh go by he?"
Basdeo seh, "Gyal, everyday me a try foh dadge he, but he a wait and hang an behind me."
So, Champa seh, "Hear nah, Me go cook early, and hide the food, and when U ask for dinna today, me go tell you me nah cook, and you go pretend like you a beat me, and me go hallah hard-hard like me a cry, and he go get the message and go way."
So, next day, Basdeo and Brungbai gan by Basdeo house, and while Basdeo was waiting for them dinna, he pull out a quarta bottle a rum and throw 2 shots foh he and Brungbai.
After awhile, Basdeo seh, "Champa gyal! Weh abi dinna deh?"
Champa seh, "Me nah able with alyuh, me nah cook today."
Basdeo then seh, "WAH! YOU NAH ABLE COOK TODAY? WATCH WAH GO CYETCH YOU!..."
So, Basdeo ran in the house, tek he belt, and start lash the wall and bed and pillow etc...
Champa start hallah, "AWW ME BACK! AWW ME BELLY! AWW ME FOOT! AWW ME HEAD!" AWW ME BATTY...
So Brungbai hallah, "BASDEO! Man, WAH YOU A DO? LEFF DE GYAL, ME A GO!"
Basdeo then go and hug up Champa and said, "Gyal, wah you been a hallah so for? You tink me been a beat you foh true? Me a just been a pretend."
Champa said to Basdeo, "Man, and wah you tink, me been a cry foh true? Me a just been a pretend."
Then Brungbai said, from the katahar tree next to them bedroom window, "And wah alyuh tink, me gan foh true? Me a just been a pretend."

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

You know Brungbai coulda smell de curry

In reply to Raskil

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way..
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap..
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood .
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and
three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary....Mother of God,
LIQUID SOAP TOO .. !!

In reply to RedDuppy
Waaaaah

In reply to RedDuppy
🤣🤣🤣🤣

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to tops

In reply to tops


The district/village had this man everyone was afraid of. But guy had a nickname and because of his angry reaction every one of dem bwoy loved to yell it but from a distance. Guy had a heart attack and died so at the nine-night/setup (wake) dem bwoy playing dominoe when one man bet that no one would be brave enough to go by the room up the hill where his coffin his and touch him. One fella seh if dem pay him $10 him brave enough to do that. Men pool up and my man run off. One hour pass and poor guy cyan return. A group of dem bwoy got brave enough to go see what happen. Well when dem reach is two man dem see stretch out one in his closed coffin and the youth fainted. Dem fling a bucket a water and rouse him and ask wha' appen. Man seh having reached he decided to just touch the man toe and run and 'im doan know nutt'n else maybe the duppy box him dung.

Him Bredren shout, Maan from night me a tell yuh push in yuh shut! You nuh si seh when yuh a rush fi tun roun' and run di caffin door slam an' grab yuh shut tail? An nuh Maas Tom grab yuh man! Yuh frighten and faint fih nutt'n.

In reply to Brerzerk

In reply to Brerzerk

This is a true story.
This man went out on the road and bought 2 bottles of after shave...After, he gone and had a few drinks with his friends. When he was riding home, passing the burial ground, he smelled something sweet and speed up. The faster he ride, the stronger the scent was. He reach home, dash down his bicycle and ran inside. When his family ask him wah happen to his pants, and he looked down, then he saw he broke one bottle of the after shave.

In reply to tops

In reply to RedDuppy

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!





//

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her
30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration'.

The Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.
The local paper read ; PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey.
The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

A School Teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I Presume”.One little girl held up her hand and said:-
“Yesterday my Mother hand washed the Dinner Dishes and I presumed that the Dishwasher was broken.”
“Very Good” said the Teacher.Another one said:
“This morning, my Father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start.”That’s Excellent” says the Teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the Classroom gets up and says:-Yesterday I saw Grandpa leave the House with a Newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that..??The teacher interrupted him and said,I stopped you because you have no idea what your Grandfather was going to do, so you can’t Presume anything.Little Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence”..???
The teacher says, “Very Well. Continue.”As I was saying, I saw my Grandpa heading for the Bush with a Newspaper under his Arm".
So, I Presume, he was going for a Shit because I know he can’t Read

In reply to RedDuppy
😃😁🤣

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to RedDuppy

RedDuppy on form.

Keep it going!

Doctor whispers reassuringly: “relax David, it’s just a small surgery, don’t panic”




Patient responds with trepidation: “my name is not David…”






Doctor responds: “I know, I am David!”

In reply to RedDuppy

You are winning this thread

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to Halliwell

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”

The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”

Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”

The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”

The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”

The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”

The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”

The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
😁

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.
Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.No,"she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is blowing the horn

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night!"

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked
out, he shined his light around frantically, looking
for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did
you say that?' he hissed
at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed,
then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,
huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,'
replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus.'

In reply to RedDuppy
🤣🤣

In reply to RedDuppy

A fella, who was unemployed, went to a store that had a sale on matress and panties. He bought 100 of each, and went and sold them for a big profit.
So he went home and gave his wife the money. She asked, "Where did you get so much money?"
He explained, I went to this store and bought 100 matresses and 100 panties and sold them for a big profit.
The wife then pulled out a huge sack of money and gave it to the man.
He then asked, "WHERE DID YOU GET THIS HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY FROM?!"
The wife replied, "With one matress, and no panty." 😁🤣

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

In reply to RedDuppy

You are a true jokester…. Big up!

In reply to tops

Grandma and her granddaughter was home alone one night when thieves broke into the home and stole almost everything. Grandpa returned home next morning from work to the news of the robbery… he said ‘Did we save anything?” The granddaughter yelled “Grandpa, I was able to save the Tape Recorder “ Grandpa looked at and asked “ How did you do that?” “I hid it in my private”. Grandpa then looked at Grandma and said “ I hope you have our refrigerator safely hidden ”…

Man feeling horny during one day at work and since he works close to home, he drove home to get it on with wifey… upon reaching home he went upstairs to get down to business… something smelt and looks wrong… he asked his “You ah cheat on me?” After a pause without an answer, he looked out the bedroom window and saw a man walking from underneath his house heading toward the gate… In anger, he grabbed his refrigerator and hurled it towards the and it killed him!

While in judgment, St Peter the man “what and how you died?” The man said he was leaving from his landlord’s home and someone threw a refrigerator on him”. St Peter said that’s sad.

Second man came for judgement and after listening to St Peters initial question, he responded “ You see that refrigerator that killed that man, I was in it”…

In reply to WestDem

In reply to WestDem
Ouch

In reply to WestDem

Man called home in the middle of his workday to talk to his wife.
"Hello?" a little voice answered.
"Hi honey, how are you doing? How's your day?"
"Daddy, I'm not feeling good."
"OK honey, let me talk to mommy."
"Daddy, mommy is in bed with your brother."
Man, pause...
"OK honey, here's what I want you to do. Go knock on the room door and say, 'daddy is home!' and come back and tell me what happen."
After a few minutes, the little girl came back and said, "'hi daddy."
The man asked, "Did you knock on the door and say what I told you?"
She said, 'yes daddy, and uncle jumped out the room window and fell into the swim pool and broke his neck and is dead.'
Man, panicking, asked, 'and where is mommy?'
Little girl, "she jumped out the window behind uncle, forgetting we empty the swim pool last week, and is dead too."
Man, pause for a long moment.....
What number did I call? I don't have a swim pool....

In reply to tops
😀😀😀

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

In reply to RedDuppy

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”
The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?”
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
“Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to tops

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
.
.
.Because they couldn’t fit in a British museum

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan
😁😀😀🐊

We joke around to a double century...

Lara's record coming up!

My Grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses...
She drinks right out of the bottle!

In reply to kgbcan
Double ton indeed!
Hooray for grandma!

An old lady was busy searching her pubic area for crab lice. While picking them out and killing them, her little grandson, un-notice to her, was watching in fascination.
Grandma then let go with one big hard fart!
Grandson: "YES GRANDMA! WAH YOU CAN'T KILL, SHOOT!"

In reply to tops

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

In reply to kgbcan
umm...

Blonde wife, traveling salesman, bunny-man’s signal was to call and ask ‘Is The Coast Clear’ then come over. Hussy came back early one week and while the couple is in bed Horner-man calls ‘is the coast clear?’ Blonde angrily replies ‘ how the hell would I know that’s 20mls away!’ Hussy don’t wanna spoil the mood says nothing. But next morning asks ‘ honey what was that call all about?’ Blonde- some eediat calling to ask if the coast is clear!

A father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.”
Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep."

Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”

In reply to Kay
Oh Gawd!!!

:

In reply to Kay
Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!

In reply to Kay
😀🤣🤣🤣

In reply to Kay

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend!
Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct!
You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

3 more Nuns facing Peter @ Dem Pearly Gates. Peter- We know you have all
been good on earth but this is a very special place so you have to answer if even a simple answer to get in
Peter tob1st Nun- Who.was the 1st man?
Ah St Peter that’s easy ADAM!
Peter to 2nd Nun-And, who was the 1st woman?
Nun-Eve!!
Peter- Sister Bartholomew, what was the 1st thing Eve said to Adam?
Poor Sis B scratching her head “ Oh THAT’S A HARD ONE!’
Peter- We’ll guessed Sister go on in.

In reply to Brerzerk

In reply to Brerzerk

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied: “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles!"

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later another nurse came in and asked him what he had. The man said: “Shingles!!"

So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found the man sitting patiently in the nude and asked him what he had.

The man said: “Shingles!!!”

The doctor asked: “What makes you so sure?”

The man answered: “ They're outside on the truck!!! Where do you want me to unload them?”
😁

In reply to tops



Easy single

In reply to Brerzerk
Staying on the topic of nnuns, 2 nuns were working in the church one day. It became extremely hot, so they decided to take off their clothes and work, as they knew no-one will bother them.
So then came a knock on the door.
Nuns: "Who are you?
Answer: "The blind man!"
Nuns: O, it's that blind man who likes to come in and sit in the church for a few hours. We can let him in seeing he can't see us."
So, the first nun open the door and said: "You can come in."
The man: "I have an order to deliver these blinds. Where do you want me to put it?"

In reply to tops

I was going to let this thing alone, but with more madness popping up, we still need a distraction.
This one is old, but still good.

This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is POLITICS?"
Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way.
I'm the bread-winner of the family, so let's call me CAPITALISM!.
"Your mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the GOVERNMENT.
"We're here to take care of YOUR needs - so we'll call you THE PEOPLE.
Our nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money - so we'll consider her THE WORKING CLASS.
And your baby brother...we'll call him THE FUTURE.

"Now, think about all of this and see if it makes sense.". So, the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what his dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not
wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and>goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I now understand the concept of politics."

The father says, "GOOD, son, tell me in your own words what you think>politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while CAPITALISM is screwing the WORKING>CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep, THE PEOPLE are being ignored
and THE>FUTURE is in Deep Shit." 💩

Johnny was a respectable man in the village who attends church regularly. As an electrician he received a call one day from Sunny the rum shop owner to do some repairs.

Sunday in church, mouthy Lucille who loves to gossip blurted out just after sermon while people were still milling around, “Johnny, when people see your vehicle parked by Sunny they already know what you were doing inside”.

Johnny was embarrassed but did not say anything. Next Saturday afternoon Johnny parked his truck in front of Lucille’s house and left it overnight.

In reply to tops




//

In reply to Kay

In reply to Kay

In reply to tops

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "fuuuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan
🐊🦎

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?"

"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"

"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"

In reply to kgbcan
😋🐷

In reply to tops

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny.
"That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first."
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger.
"I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan

farmer John loves HAM

In reply to Brerzerk

In reply to kgbcan

Q. What's the difference between the sky and a panty?
A. The sky covers the whole creation
And a panty covers the creation hole

Three good friends, a Guyanese, a Trini and a Jamaican went to watch the T20 cricket in a Middle Eastern country with strict alcohol laws.
They didn’t care too much for rules and were caught drinking. They were found guilty and summoned to receive punishment before being deported. They were brought to a room and were told that they each would receive 100 rope lashes on their backs however they have a choice of picking something available in the room to hang on their back before receiving their licks.
Trini was first up, he requested a piece of cardboard but the lashes burst through and he was bawling.
Jamaican was up next, he requested a sheet of tarp to be folded and hung on his back. That didn’t help much either, he was bawling for mercy.
The Guyanese who was next had an additional request ‘Mr ropeman, can you double my lashes?’ The ropeman looked very surprised then quickly said ‘yes yes why not, so what do you want to hang on your back’
Guyanese ‘ropeman please hang the Jamaican on my back’
Ropeman ‘as you wish’
Bumpa***rhatid*p##y#ole !!!

In reply to Raskil
I'm surprise U said the Jamaican and not the Trini

In reply to tops

Dem sell out the Haitians…still luv dem

Like the one where the Guyanese and the Trini were in a bar relaxing, so they took off their shoes.
When time to get drinks, the Guyanese offer to go get the drinks, and when he gone, the trini spit in his shoes.
It went on for awhile, and the same thing keep happening. Then the Guyanese said to the Trini, 'man, when we gon stap this stchupidness. U spitting in me shoes and me pissing U drink.'

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

Making fun of Trinis is like a low hanging fruit

In reply to tops

In reply to Raskil

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to tops

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to kgbcan
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan

While riding in the neighborhood one day the priest noticed a little girl up in a mango tree picking mangoes and realized she had no underwear, he called her down and gave her 20 dollars and tell her to buy panties! Little girl went and tell her mom what happened… Mom decided to go pick mangoes with no underwear, priest passed by saw her and called her down, he called her down and give her one dollar and tell to go buy some hairnets…

In reply to kgbcan

A Guyanese died and on his judgement day, St Peter asked to tell him about his life on earth. The man said to St Peter, “Ah know ah going to hell, I robbed, thief, murdered people and many more bad things, where is the way to hell?” To which St Peter responded, “ Go to heaven, I can’t punish you twice.”

In reply to WestDem

After the oil was found or before?

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.

So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles again and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.

The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

Obama, Clinton and Trump were on flight from Fort Knox, KY to the White House. They encountered a terrible storm and Stormy Daniels the pilot yelled from the cockpit, “ I can only get two of you guys there safely otherwise we will crash, so I am gonna ask each of you a question and if you answer correctly, you stay”

Question number one! “Obama, when did the Titanic sink? “Obama responded “1912”…”You are safe, Stormy responded!

Question number two! “ Clinton, how many people died? Clinton responded “1,500”… “You are safe” was her response.

Question number three! “Trump, can you name them?”… Trump jumped out of the plane…

In reply to Raskil

Before… when they discovered Uranium…

In reply to Kay

In reply to WestDem

In reply to Kay

In reply to WestDem
😁😃

In reply to Kay

😁🤣🤣

Obama, Trump, and Joe were walking on the beach...And, of course, they found a lamp...And of course, they rub the lamp and out pops a gini.
The gini thank them for letting it out of the lamp, and said, 'I will give you three pools, and before U jump into the pool, whatever you say, that pool will be fill of what you say, and it will be all yours.'
So all excited, Trump said, "Me first! Me first!"
So he took off running, and just before he jumped in the pool, he slipped, and exclaimed: "ROCKS!"
Then Obama went next, he also took off running, and slipped, and exclaimed: "PISS!".
Of course, Joe wasn't to be so stupid, so he gently walk up to his pool and forgot what the pool was for, so he said, 'O SHIT!'.

In reply to tops

In reply to Kay

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Freddy Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walked into a bar
They didn't planet that way

It was Christmas Eve. A woman returned home after a day of busy shopping.

Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, the husband noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked.

She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"

Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"

"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

In reply to Chrissy

In reply to Kay

The great thing about this thread is there are no repeated jokes and the uptight unhappy idiots are just reading and laughing… 300 here we cum!

Man was coming down in an elevator one morning, blonde joined the ride and greet the man with “TGIF” to which the man responded “SHIT”… she was like “TGIF!”and will always respond with “SHIT!”… she finally said “Thank God It’s Friday” to which he responded “Sorry Honey It’s Thursday “

In reply to Kay

In reply to Chrissy

In reply to WestDem

In reply to Kay

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

In reply to kgbcan

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs and she said "Press One!" So I did... I don't remember much after that.

A dude dies and goes to Hell. The devil welcomes him and tells him he has arrived just in time for today's special.

He can walk around for an hour and see the punishment others are getting. For the specal he can choose any punishment he sees but whatever he chooses he will be enduring it for eternity or until the devil says otherwise.

The dude walks around and he's beginning to see why they call the place hell. Suddenly he feels a cold draft and he realises that in the heat of hell there is an athletic looking dude in an airconditioned room sitting on a sofa watching football and there's a blonde giving him a BJ.

He can't believe his luck to find this special and tells the devil this is the punishment he will take. The devil smiles and asks him if he is sure. The dude laughs and yells, "Hell yes".

The devil walks over to the blonde and says, "Ok you've done your time. I have a special for you. Your replacement is here."

In reply to Headley

In reply to Headley

In reply to kgbcan
🤣🤣

I got this one from one of my Guyanese friend.
there were Basdeo, his wife Champa, and Basdeo had a friend them use to call Brungbai.
Soh, everyday, Brungbai use to follow Basdeo home for dinner, and so it went on for months.

Wan day, Champa ask Basdeo, "Man, how come Brungbai a come everyday foh dinna and he neva ask abi foh go by he?"
Basdeo seh, "Gyal, everyday me a try foh dadge he, but he a wait and hang an behind me."
So, Champa seh, "Hear nah, Me go cook early, and hide the food, and when U ask for dinna today, me go tell you me nah cook, and you go pretend like you a beat me, and me go hallah hard-hard like me a cry, and he go get the message and go way."
So, next day, Basdeo and Brungbai gan by Basdeo house, and while Basdeo was waiting for them dinna, he pull out a quarta bottle a XM rum and throw 2 shots foh he and Brungbai.
After awhile, Basdeo seh, "Champa gyal! Weh abi dinna deh?"
Champa seh, "Me nah able with alyuh, me nah cook today."
Basdeo then seh, "WAH! YOU NAH ABLE COOK TODAY? WATCH WAH GO CYETCH YOU!..."
So, Basdeo ran in the house, tek he belt, and start lash the wall and bed and pillow etc...
Champa start hallah, "AWW ME BACK! AWW ME BELLY! AWW ME FOOT! AWW ME HEAD!" AWW ME BATTY...
So Brungbai hallah, "BASDEO! Man, WAH YOU A DO? LEFF DE GYAL, ME A GO!"
Basdeo then go and hug up Champa and said, "Gyal, wah you been a hallah so for? You tink me been a beat you foh true? Me a just been a pretend."
Champa said to Basdeo, "Man, and wah you tink, me been a cry foh true? Me a just been a pretend."
Then Brungbai said, from the katahar tree next to them bedroom window, "And wah alyuh tink, me gan foh true? Me a just been a pretend."

There was this guy sitting by himself in a restaurant when he saw a beautiful woman at another table.

He sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She then sent him a note in response, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.”

He wrote back, “Give me back the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

In reply to Kay

In reply to Kay



That one beat Big Bird's response to the flirting Oz female fan
Mr. Garner is it true that all your body parts are proportional to your height?
Big Bird in horror- 'Oh no Ma'am, in that case I'd be 9' 6" not 6' 9"...as told by
Big Bird's former roommate Sunny Gavaskar

In reply to Brerzerk
And Brerzerk raise his bat in bringing up the 300.

So let's have another Jamaican one to go into the 300.

A Jamaican doctor had to go on a trip for a day.
He asked his assistant, who was not too bright, "shall I close the clinic for the day?"
The assistant said, Nah sah, na badda, me gwon tek care a tings."
The doctor very reluctant, agreed to leave his assistant in charge, but throughout his trip he kept worrying about if he made the right decision...
So, early the next morning, he ran to his clinic and met his assistant to find out how things went.
His assistant said, "Sah, you worry fi noting! Me tek care a tings."
The doctor asked, 'What happen?'
The assistant said, "Me only had 3 patients. The fuss wan was a lady and she had a headache.
The doctor asked, 'and wah you do?"
The assistant, "Me geh she some tylenol and send she home."
Doctor, "Good...Good..." and he was feeling more relaxed.
"And wah about the 2nd one?"
Assistant, "A man been a wok in he gyaden and cut he foot, and me clean he foot and stich am up and put some plasta and send he home."
Doctor, feeling more relaxed, said, good... good... Me go geh you more responsibility, you did good.
"And what about the 3rd one?"
Assistant, "Well sah, dah was a strange wan. Dis oman come in, pull aff all she clothes, spread sheself pan the table, and a bwall out: 'ELP ME! ELP ME! A TWO YEARS ME NAH SEE NO MAN!'
Doctor, getting excited, asked, "And wah you do?"
Assistant, "Well sah, me put some draps in a she eye and send she home."

In reply to tops
Di wusserest JA accent Eva

In reply to Headley

In reply to Kay

In reply to Chrissy
Me sorry for butchering the JA language.

In reply to Kay

In reply to Headley

In reply to tops

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

In reply to kgbcan
😁🤣

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to tops
Yuh started out well

Man goes to Doctor's office

Doctor comes into room

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news
Patient: Give me the bad news first
Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live
Patient:WOW!!!!!,what the hell could be worse
Doctor: I was supposed to call you yesterday

In reply to Dukes

In reply to Dukes

In reply to Dukes

What does Lewinsky and a Soda machine have in common?


They both have a sign that says "Insert Bill"...

Man went to DR..."I feel am am shitting my guts out". Doctor checked him out and asked..."Are you gay?" My man said "No"! Doctor said to him, " whys is this condom stuck in your arse?"...

In reply to WestDem

In reply to Dukes

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.
At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

In reply to kgbcan

A Jamaican bull, reaching the age of retiring, was asked by another bull, 'Now that you retire, wah you a plan fi do?'
The retired bull answer, "Me goin just buy wan lickle place, get some cows, and live for heifer and heffer and heffer."

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.

Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old teen."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five-year-old ass?"

She replied, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

In reply to Kay
🤣🤣🤣😁

In reply to Kay

In reply to Kay

In reply to Kay

Pastor caught his parrot sexing his chicken one day and pulled away and said “bad parrot” then went to punish him by strip off all his feathers… now comes the Sunday ceremony and parrot always greets the parishioners every week always goes “do not forget to take off your hats!” This week two guys took off their hats and parrot yelled” You two fowl fcukers get out of here!”… of course they were both bald

In reply to WestDem

A so-call faith healer was conducting a meeting one day.
He said to his audience: "ANYONE OF YOU WHO EXPERIENCING A SICK PART IN YOUR BODY, PUT YOUR HAND OVER THAT PART AND TRUST ME! IT WILL BE HEALED!"
So, this man who was in the audience, put his hand over his crotch, and nothing happened.
He then yelled :"THIS MAN IS A FAKE! A CHARLATAN, A FRAUD!"
His wife leaned over and whisper in his ear, 'Honey, calm down... The man said he can heal the sick, he never said he can raise the dead'...

In reply to WestDem

In reply to tops

One day, a bartender put up a sign on his door that read "If you can make my horse laugh, I'll give you a free beer." A guy walked in and said "I'd like to try," and the bartender showed him to the horse's stall out back and let him in. The bartender went back to the bar and waited, and the man came back and said "He's laughing, where's my beer?" The bartender was surprised and went back to check. Sure enough, the horse was laughing, so he gave the man a free beer. The bartender asked, "How did you do that?" The man said, "It's my secret,'' and left. The next day, the bartender saw that his horse was laughing non-stop. and it was beginning to irritate him. Frustrated by this, he put up a sign saying, "If you can make the horse cry, I'll give you two free beers." The same man walked in and said "I'd like to try" and the bartender showed him to the horse stall again and went back to the bar to wait. The man came back and sure enough, said, "The horse is crying, now, give me my free beers." The bartender was surprised once again. He went back to the stall to check, and sure enough, the horse was crying. The bartender asked the man again, "How in the world did you do that? Will you please tell me?" The man said, "Okay, okay, I'll tell you. First I told the horse my dick was bigger than his, and the second time, I showed it to him."

In reply to kgbcan

Once upon a time, a LONG-LONG time ago, a fowlcock was walking down the road. He saw a cat was trying to eat a cob of corn.
The fowlcock looked at the cat and asked, "Cat, Y R U so stupid? There's a lady down the road, if you go and meow, she gon come out and give you bread and milk. I just came from there and I have a full craw."
The cat left his corn and hurried down the road to the lady's house and started meowing like crazy. The lady came out with a bucket of water and threw it on the cat and almost drownd him.
The cat ran back to his corn to find the fowlcock swallowing his last mouthful.
He yelled: "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE THE LADY DO TO ME! WHERE IS MY CORN?!!"
The fowlcock raised his head and crow and said to the cat: "AAHH! that's life my boy... Whenever there's a satisfied cock, there's always a wet pussy..."

In reply to tops

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself.

She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"

In reply to tops

In reply to Kay

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens.
The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried.
Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cow. Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, “Shhhh!, they are about to land."

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'

' The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”
The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

Little Johnny is very perceptive…
A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.
One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I
presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”
“Very good” said the teacher.
Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that
the BMW wouldn't start.”
“That’s excellent” says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the
house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.....
”The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather
was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.
Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”
The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”
“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume
he was going for a Number two (2) because he can’t read.”

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to RedDuppy
💩

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to Kay

In reply to tops

In reply to Chrissy
And Chrissy raise her bat for the 350.

A little boy and a little girl were playing one day. The boy pull down his pants and show the girl his penis and said, "You don't have this!"

The little girl, upset, went and told her mom what the little boy did.
The mother pulled her onto her lap and said: "Honey, go and show him yours, and tell him what you have, you can have as much as his as you want."

In reply to tops

In reply to tops
Know dat one

A Jamaican, a Trini, and a Bajan couple went out for Valentine's dinner.
During the dinner, the Trini decided to show off and said to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey."
The Jamaican not wanted to be left out, said to his wife: "Please pwass me de shuga, shuga."
The Bajan, being short, and can barely see over the table, tried to look around, but all he could see was the plate of porkchops in front a he, so he said to his wife: "Please pass me the pork, pig." 🐷

Of course, Trini and Jamaican couple vex, bcs they didn't get any, the short bajan ended up with all on he head.

In reply to tops

When I was a young eligible yute one Valentines Day I give my main sqeeze chocolates, flowers, perfume and finish off de evening wid movementations. De young lady in question said she couldn't find de words tuh describe how she feel.

So de next Valentines Day I give she a dictionary. Well lemme tell yuh dat woman express sheself in words dat ain't in no dictionary obsolete or current.

When yuh young yuh does do some foolish tings.

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to RedDuppy
Priceless!

In reply to RedDuppy
"When yuh young yuh does do some foolish tings."
That is very true RD. U wouldn't believe the foolish things I did.
I once bought a 12 strings guitar to sing this song for a girl. I don't have the girl, but I still have the guitar. Another you
O, there R lots more foolish things I did on Valentine's day, but I was younger, but I'm wiser now.

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days, on sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

My buddies had a pig tuh kill one Xmas. I tell de men I got a friend who is a master pig sticker.
Now dis friend a mine got two knockknee eyes. One looking straight and de next one looking sideways.
So time come and we got de pig well truss up and ready tuh stick.
My buddy ready tuh stick de pig when de man side a he ask he: Skipper you gine stick where you looking?
To quote Paul Keens-Douglas who tell he tuh say dat.
Men leggo de rope holding de pig and bawl fuh murder.
De pig get way and tek off dung tru de gully never to be seen again.
Needless tuh say de men never consult me ever again regarding de sticking of a pig.

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.

Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”

Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.

John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”

Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”

Husband thought he won the argument with his wife on how to arrange dining room furniture.
When he got home the tables were turned.

In reply to kgbcan
🤣🤣

In reply to Chrissy

In reply to kgbcan

Love it!

In reply to kgbcan

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his penis. So, he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the penis sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant and she said.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to tops

Boy and his mom went to a fortune teller. Boy heard fortune teller tell mom that this boy daddy will die by tomorrow morning, daybreak.Boy got scared and as he promised his mom not to say anything to daddy but he looked at his dad all night. He wanted to be there for his dad for the last breath.

The night we went on and his dad was still alive and even woke up and got dressed for work and was about to exit the house when he yelled “ Honey! Looked like the milkman fall dead on our Porch!

Taxi driver was driving a British tourist around Georgetown after picking him up at the Pegasus. Every landmark they passed, the tourist will ask a question on how long it took to be built, taxi driver would answer and he would respond that it takes them in England to build something similar in quarter of the time.

On the way back to Pegasus as he was circling around St George’s Cathedral, the British asked the same question and after the taxi driver realized they were painting the building, he blurted out “ that building wasn’t there this morning when I passed here, they build it today and is already painting it”

In reply to WestDem

Reminds me of another one.
The parents told the little girl to say her bed time prayers B4 she went to bed. She said:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandpa, good-bye grandma."
Everyone was stunned at her prayer, but said nothing. Next morning, grandma was dead.
After funeral and things settled down, they called her again to say her bed time prayer.
She said: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, good-bye grandpa."
They then started to worry about the last prayer and this one. Surely, next morning, grandpa was dead.
After funeral and things settled down, they were scared to ask her to say her bed time prayers again, but then the father said, 'look, we can't believe in this nonsense, she has to grow up in the right way. Let's make her say her bed time prayers again.'
So, they called her to say her bed time prayers. She said: "God bless mommy, good-bye daddy."
All night the both of them didn't sleep.
The next morning they both woke up, and sigh in relief. The dad went off to work and had a shitty day from his boss and everyone in the office.
When he whent home, he saw his wife in a worse mood than him. He said, 'after a dam hard day at work, I come home to find this?'
She exclaimed: "YOU HAD A HARD DAY?! WHAT ABOUT ME! YOUR DAUGHTER REFUSE TO GO TO SCHOOL! THE PIPE BROKE! ALL THE NEIGHBOURS FIND TODAY TO COME BORROW DIFFERENT THINGS! AND THEN THE BLASTID MAILMAN FELL DEAD IN OUR DRIVEWAY!"

In reply to WestDem

In reply to tops

A blonde police officer pulled over a car on a traffic stop, the driver who was also blonde realize she didn't have a license. After the license, registration and insurance request, the driver took out the mirror from her makeup bag, unfold it and hand it to the blonde policewoman and after looking at what she saw, she yelled out "Darn! you really look like me, please be careful next time." handed back her the mirror and said, "Drive Safely".

In reply to WestDem

In reply to WestDem

In reply to WestDem

In reply to tops

Guys, get your jokes in B4 this thread reaches 400... Chrissy is gonna close off it at 399.

In reply to WestDem

A German and an American, who have toured the world boasting and bragging of whose products R better, ended up in Jamaica.
They then got a Jamaican taxi driver to drive them around.
While they were driving, the German saw a volkswagen. He shouted out: "SEE THAT! THAT'S MY BABY! YOU JUST GIVE HER ONE GALLON! AND SHE TAKES YOU FOR MILES AND MILES AND NO REFILLS NEEDED!"
Then the American saw an exotic catalog, and he yelled: "BAWLS! LOOK AT THAT! THAT'S MY BABY! YOU JUST GIVE HER TWO PINTS AND SHE KEEPS GOING FOR MILES AND MILES AND NO REFILLS NEEDED!"
After driving around for awhile, the American said to the Jamaican, "Look how many of our inventions we have to be proud about, why don't you show us one of yours?"
The German piped up, "YYEAHS! Show us vone of yours invention!"
The Jamaican drove around in the country side, and then he stopped. He pointed to a pregnant lady, and he said to them: "You see dah? Dah is me invention! Me just geh she a few drops, and she keep goin for nine monts, and no refills needed!"

In reply to tops

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

Not closing it off - keep ‘em coming

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to tops

A man and his wife were having an argument over her lousy cooking at breakfast.

He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied.

"What were you doing in bed this late?" he yelled!

"Just getting a second opinion” she replied chuckling.....

In reply to Kay

In reply to Kay

In reply to Kay

A man went for a walk with my new girlfriend and they saw dogs mating.
She said: “How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?”
He replied: “He can smell she is ready. That’s how nature works.”
They then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again his girlfriend asked: “How does the ram know when the ewe is ready for sex?”
He replied: “It’s nature. He can smell she is ready.”
They then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow. His girlfriend
said: “This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can’t smell when
she is ready?”
He said: “Oh, yes; it’s nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.”
Anyway, after the walk, he dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: “Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19.”
Surprised, “Why do you say that?” he asked her.
She replied: “You seem to have lost your sense of smell.”

A Bajan fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife "Ya know sumptin' woman, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de engine and we ready tuh go.
"From now on woman, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I say, ' Bell three we gine mek love all tru de night."
The next night, he come home and holler out,
"Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to mek love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"
"WOMAN ... What de hell is Bell Four'?"
She holler out "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire!!"

Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys.
" The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are all black."

This man from the Jamaican country had lost his house and all his crops
after a hurricane.
He had nothing left but his donkey.
After days of being miserable, and not being able to find a job,
he took his donkey into the city and put up a sign that read
'Betting $10.00 that this donkey could hansa any question yuh ask.'
One man come up saying: 'No way that ass could tell me how much numbers
in a phone number?'
The owner said 'Tell him, ass?'
The donkey stomp on the ground seven times, so the man paid and walked away shocked.
Ah nex' man come up and say 'Tell me how much players make up a football side?'
The donkey stomp the ground eleven times.' The man paid up.
By now, news spread like wildfire and nuff people gather around to see this smart ass.
This woman come out of the crowd, walk up to the owner and said
'You is ah fraud and ah bet $100.00 he cyan tell me meh age. '
The donkey step back, leh go a loud fart and stomp he foot two times.
The woman faint!
After some smelling salts and water, she revive and point at de donkey and say:
Buh how him know ah was fartee-two !!!!!!

In reply to RedDuppy

During an special party for a special political figure in the city, this single mom decided take her daughter with her to the party and warned her that the guys there will try to fack her and she should be smart!

After the party was done and they were driving home mom asked “ How was the party?” Daughter said “ Mom, you was right this guy try to fack me but I facked him first”!

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to WestDem

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie?”

Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.

A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to RedDuppy

LOL ... Bell 4 is the real deal

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner replies, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

"Oh yeah?" the clerk says, "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

In reply to RedDuppy





//




.

In reply to RedDuppy

A nun runs out of gas on her way back to the nunnery. She does not have a gas canister. The only container she can find in the car to hold some gas is a bedpan. She takes the bedpan to a nearby gas staton and fills it with gas.

The nun returns to her car, opens the tank and is pouring the gas into the tank when two guys in a car pull up behind her. One looks at the other in disbelief and says, "Turning water into wine is one thing but if that works I'm going back to church on Sunday."

In reply to Kay

In reply to Headley

In reply to WestDem

In reply to kgbcan

RedDuppy brought up the 400 and went pass it.
Congrats RD, raise yr bat and go for the 500

In reply to tops

In reply to Headley

Man went out to have a good night of fun! After a number of drinks, he decided to get busy with one of the ladies and ask her the prices for her sexual favors she tells him “ It’s $100 for the Homerun, It’s $50 for me getting the Job and it’s $15 for the Penguin!” Man decided to choose Penguin and paid the $15 she said that have to be done in the Alleyway and they both leave the bar and went into the street.

She tells him to just dropped his pants and underwear to his ankle and he did,she walked up to and then started running in the other direction. The man yelled while running after her “Where is my Penguin I paid for?”. She yelled back “ Just look at the way you are running and you will get the answer, cheap arse.”

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"

Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

In reply to Kay

Ray, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing? ‘

The prostitute replies, ‘Well Ray, old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’ ‘Three knots?’ he asks.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.’

A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.

When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice.

The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?

In reply to kgbcan

Woman wanted to confess for her sins, went to church and let the priest know of her confession! Priest ask to her to stop and requested her to enter the next confession room to the right.

Once she got into the bed,the priest asked to get naked and he threw a bible on the bed and after mounting her, he asked her to repeat the prayers, “The holy man is over you,the holy book is under you, the holy book is under you and the heavens ly pole is in your hole

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to Kay
🤣🤣🤣

In reply to kgbcan
🤣🤣

A burly escaped convict breaks into a house and finds a married couple asleep in bed. He ties up the husband to a chair and kisses the wife tenderly on her neck.

He then ties up the wife and goes into the bathroom.

The husband whispers, "Honey from the clothes this guy is wearing it seems he is an escaped convict. He probably has not had sex for a very long time. He is big and we can't fight him so you may need to take one for the team. Pretend to be passive and let him get it over with quickly."

The wife nods in agreement. "He was whispering in my ear," she said. "He says he's gay and asked me if I kept the vaseline in the bathroom."

In reply to Headley

An elderly couple met at the retirement home and started to "date," something they had not done for over fifty years. After a few months, they decided it might be best to get married.

They decided to get married in the local church, but before making the final plans, they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?, he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem.

Pope: Well, I’m really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Why’s that?

Pope: All my life I’ve wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: You’re a day late.

Boy: Let’s play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do we play?

Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say “Redlight” when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay 🙂

*Few seconds later*

Girl: Redlight!!!
Boy: Firetrucks don’t stop for redlights

In reply to rudebway

The husband always insisted on making love in the dark.

After 20 years the wife turns on the light and finds him holding a vibrator.

She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"

Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

In reply to rudebway

In reply to Kay

In reply to Headley

In reply to Kay

In reply to rudebway

A man had just accepted his new job as a door-to-door Bible salesman and was introducing himself to his new co-workers.
It quickly became clear that the man had a severe stutter and the other workers began to make fun of him for it. But by the end of the week when the man had sold over 1,000 Bibles, the other workers were very impressed and stopped making fun of him.
"How did you manage to sell that many Bibles in a week?", they all asked the stuttering salesman.
"It's r-really s-s-simple," he said. " I just go up and kn-knock on the d-door and when th-they open it, I s-say, 'W-would you li-like to b-buy this Bi-Bible or d-do you w-want me t-to r-rea-read it t-to you?'"

A girl was about to get married to a sailor
The night before the wedding her father said “I have one advice for you dear,
If your sailor husband ever ask for sex the “other” way just pack your stuff and come back home!”

Years pass by and now the daughter was curious about sex the “other” way.
So she decide to bring it up that night in bed, “Honey can we have sex the other way?”
To which her sailor husband respond, “What?! And full the bloody house with kids?!”

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to Kay

A trucker went into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,

'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'

'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

In reply to kgbcan

First heard this when I was not old enough to understand it. Still going strong.

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to Headley

Fireman.....

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love."
The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed.
"Bell 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!"
"What's Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

In reply to googley

RedDuppy beat you to it

In reply to bdaTryangle

crap....sorry about that!

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, 'I'm a lawyer.'"

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh!!!! You're a lawyer?"
He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

In reply to Kay

In reply to tops

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take no crap off nobody!"

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to Kay

In reply to googley

An older couple finally learned how to send and receive texts on their mobile phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet.
Please advise.

In reply to kgbcan

English teacher walked into class and announced that today's topic is Singular and plural. Her first question was "singular mango, plural...?" Balgobin jumped up and yelled "One more mango, Miss!"

Three British tourists were caught trespassing in Africa...they were bought to the Tribal Chief for trial... After hearing the case, the Chief announced that they would either get killed or be buggered and they have a right to make their choices. After hesitating for a while, two chose buggered and their choice was granted. After hearing the screaming of his two other friends, the third tourist begged to be killed and to his request, the Chief yelled "KILL HIM WITH BGGUR"!

In reply to WestDem

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

A priest went to visit an old lady, a member of his congregation.
He saw on her piano, a glass bowl with a condom in it.
The priest, embarrassed, pointed to the bowl and ask, Y do U have that there?
The old lady answered, "Oh, you see, the advertisement said, put on your organ to protect from virus, and seeing I don't have an organ, I thought putting it on the piano would protect me from virus."

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. What are you doing?" she asked."I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed."This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained."Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied."Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

These parents had three grown daughters and decided to marry all of them the same day. They were all at the brides house for the first night. Nosy mom decided to evesdrop at each of the rooms to hear of any sexual sounds. First and Second room she her daughters groananing and smiled then went to next room and it was very quiet.

Next morning she and her three daughters were preparing breakfast, she said “ I walked around your rooms last night and excitement in you two rooms, then turned to the third daughter and continued, your room was very quiet “ The daughter responded “ How can I give a sound when my mouth was filled?”

In reply to WestDem

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder.
"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back."
"He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.
So I did."

In reply to Kay

You're the best.

In reply to kgbcan

An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.
The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?"
"No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."

The lookout sees a pirate ship sailing their way. The captain shouts to his first mate,
"Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings the red shirt and the captain puts it on, and when the pirates try to board, the brave captain leads his men to victory.

A few days later, the lookout screams, "Two pirate ships!" The crew is shivering like scared mice. But the courageous captain hollers, "Bring me my red shirt!"
After the battle, the first mate asks, "Captain, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replies, "So that if I am stabbed, you will not see me bleed."

The next morning the lookout screams, "Ten pirate ships! We are surrounded!" The crew goes silent. They all look to their brave captain, waiting for his usual command. Calm as ever, the captain bellows .... "Bring me my brown pants!"

In reply to kgbcan
🤣🤣

In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter. The salesperson, a young boy,said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man insistedon buying only 1/2 kg. So the boy went inside to the manager's roomand said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!"

After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?".
To this the boy said, "I come from Mexico. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!! "
The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Mexico".
To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she playfor?"

Believe in your presence of mind and never panic!

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

That level of witty is to die or live for

In reply to tops

In reply to tops

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.


Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.


Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.


The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.


The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.


Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.


The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.



The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!!

In reply to kgbcan
🤣🤣🤣😁😁

In reply to kgbcan

Deleted.

In reply to kgbcan

Top shelf one, this

In reply to kgbcan

Two Irishmen Mick and Patrick is flying back to Ireland after a visit to the USA.Suddenly and announcement from the Pilot telling the passengers "please don't panic,one engine has broken down but the other engine is working and we would land safely.The 2 Irishmen were panicking on what they heard,Mick turned to Patrick and said "if the other engine goes then we'll but stuck up here all bloody night".

In reply to granite

that was a blonde brothers moment

A high-tech guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The techie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The techie smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

In reply to doosra
Not blonde, ginger.

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to granite

Paddy has a fall at work and breaks his hip. He gets bored very quickly and asks Mick if he'd like to come round one evening for a few beers.

After a while Paddy asks Mick to go upstairs and bring his slippers as his feet are cold. Mick goes up and see Paddy's two gorgeous grown-up daughters getting ready for a night out.

"Yur Dad's sent me up to feck the pair of ya" says Mick.

"Ah, yur a lying b*stard" says one.

"Oi'll prove it, Oi will" says Mick. He calls down : "Paddy, did ya say both' of dem ?"

"Of course, ya daft git, what's de point of fecking' one ?"

A blind man was in court on a murder charge for beating a young man to death. The Judge ask the blind man what do u have to say in your defense for I see u have chosen not to have a lawyer. The blind man replies well your Honor I was walking down the road tapping my cane to guide me when I accidentally tap a youngster foot. Then youngster shouted in a loud voice "big man if u hit me wid dat stick again u gwine see. So just like the woman who touch Jesus robe and was healed. I decided to have Faith. so I hit he and hit he and hit he and up to this day I still caan see. The judge says.........case dismiss u r free to go....

A Man went the doctors office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday,
my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home
on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you,
but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you
to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's
office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'
The man said, 'No one showed up'

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to RedDuppy
🤣🤣

Lawyer on Vacation
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road. Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

In reply to Kay

In reply to tops



raise yuh bat yuh just pass dee great Lara!

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to tops

In reply to kgbcan
SHHH! Nah mek aunty Chrissy C that, She gon close down the thread.

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady shouted back at him, "Fluc you white people too!"

In reply to tops

In reply to Kay


Top notch!

In reply to Kay
Excellemt


What a great comedy thread

In reply to Kay

In reply to Kay

So this young strong looking fella asking people for a dollar bill as they pass. He see a nicely dressed man approaching, went up to him and ask if he have a dollar bill. The man replied sorry but I only have big bills. The young man smiling say, aah give me one nah. The man reach into his bag and hand the young man his electric bill. ,

Four Lucians get into a taxi in Bim to go to their hotel. The taxi driver turn and say this is a 4 seater cab and police here strict so one person go have to get out - may I suggest the ugliest one? One of the Lucians say, Ok! but who go drive us when you get out?!

In reply to Chrissy

A farmer takes his merchandise to the market every Saturday morning on a donkey cart and always take his daughter with him. He noticed her giggling and singing abnormally for a few weeks and as he looked around, he demanded, "Can you stop sitting on the plantains and sit on the pumpkins?"

In reply to WestDem

In reply to WestDem

In reply to Scar

In reply to WestDem

In reply to Scar

In reply to WestDem

In reply to Scar
"One of the Lucians say, Ok! but who go drive us when you get out?!"
Like U didn't C the title of the thread, "Let's try to calm things down.

A newly married couple and de man worked a few streets away always come home to do his thing with his young wife. One day he left a little early for lunch and as he opened the door he noticed his wife sitting naked over a pot of hot rice and he yelled “ what are you doing?” She responded “ I am heating up your lunch like I always do!”

A woman goes on vacation to Jamaica.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love-making she asks him, “What is your name?”
“I can’t tell you,” the black man says.
Every night they meet, and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”
“I can’t tell you my name because you will laugh at me,” says the black man.
“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the woman says.
“Fine, my name is Snow!” the black man replies.
The woman bursts into laughter. The black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.”
The woman replies, “I’m not making fun of your name. I’m thinking of my husband who won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica!”

In reply to kgbcan
U rass mad. 🤣🤣🤣

In reply to tops

While having sex a woman tell her husband.."You does get on like a cell phone"
the husband look happy with the comment and say "I does vibrate and mek noise and thing?"

No! She said, "as soon as yuh reach in a tunnel yuh service does drop!"

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to kgbcan
🤣🤣🤣

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

In reply to WestDem

Man was flexing his hands yelling “Palm up, Palm down”! This happened for a good time so the family decides to take him to the hospital to get checked out. While in the Psychiatric ward he was doing and saying the same thing. All the nurses In curiosity asked him, “ What are you trying to say?” He goes Palm up mean it’s hard, Palm down mean it’s soft”! All the nurses started laughing out hysterically and one asked “How about a woman?” To which he responded “by the size of the mouth while laughing “… every freaking mouth went close..:

In reply to WestDem

In reply to WestDem

In reply to WestDem

Yessssss!

Talking 'bout the mugshots.

In reply to WestDem



A man went into a store in Kingston and pick up a bottle of juice and a lb. of sugar. He only pay for the juice and walk out of the store. He get caught and held for police for stealing the sugar. In court the judge asked why he did not pay for the sugar. The man told the judge ‘ Yuh onah me nuh tief any sugar! Me see deh pon de back ah de juice it say ‘Sugar Free” - so me nuh unna stan wah a gwaaan!

In reply to Scar

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

In reply to Kay

In reply to Kay

In reply to Scar

That's like the blond that the mall called security on bcs she was just standing by the orange juice for a whole day.
When security asked her wht she is doing, she said: HELLOOO! Can't you read? Don't you see it said concentrate?"

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to Kay

In reply to Scar

In reply to tops

Went to church one day and confessed… “I am not the best guy very bad man but people say I have to prove it” father said, “go into room three my son!” I went into room three and there lie the most beautiful woman ever naked and we got it on” after it was all done I was told by this beautiful lady, “How does it feel to get nun out of none”

This is a new and creative joke…it’s original but tell me if it’s good!

In reply to WestDem
Let's C... If when U go to get it on with her, she tells U to get lost, and then tell U when U R with yr friends, tell them U didn't get none out of nun...

There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle.
Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name "Onestone".

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, Good morning, Onestone.
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, Good to see you,Onestone.

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!

Sunday morning in Bedford Stuyvesant, New York. The church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open; a black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two people. One is the Pastor, the other is a West Indian.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me.
But YOU (points to the West Indian), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The West Indian crosses one leg over the other and replies, "See one, see de other! I been married to you sister for 36 years!"

The First speaker from England spoke: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself."
"After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America spoke: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his Laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Jamaica spoke: "Hafter las' year conference wen mi go ome an tell mi usband seh mi nah do nuh more cookin fi im nor cleanin nor shoppin, an dat im woulda haffi do dem imself.
Hafter di fus day mi nuh si nothin. Hafter di second day, mi still nuh si nothin neither. But hafter di third day, as the swelling go dung, me coulda si a likkle bit outta mi left eye."

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says, “You.”

In reply to Kay

Rahtid!

In reply to Kay

In reply to Kay

In reply to Drapsey

There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London; a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan.

The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque.

"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted.

The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave.

Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food.

"But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted.

This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go.

Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so........

Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"

A man walking behind he wife up and tell she, "Baby you suh fat now your botsy look like a washing machine."
He wife ain unpick she teet and keep walking.
Come time fuh bed, de husband mek de mistake and play he axing fuh sex.
He wife tell he, "I cyan start de washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to wash by hand."

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals,
and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male
patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!" said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship,
this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly
fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they
would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was
giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to Drapsey

Agree

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide. "The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

In reply to Kay
Waaaaaaah

In reply to Kay

In reply to RedDuppy

In reply to Kay

In reply to Kay

Keep 'em coming, Kay!

In reply to kgbcan
😋😁

In reply to Kay
The version I have posted was di dying man and di wife saying dat fi only one dat was his was di one he was asking about - di ugly one - ah yuh honly pickney

In reply to Kay

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset... She asked, Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?”

Helen: There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: Who said that?”

Helen: Your husband.”

Wife: Oh.”

Helen: The second reason is that I’m a better cook than you.”

Wife: Who said that?”

Helen: Your husband.”

Wife: Oh.”

Helen: The third reason is that I’m better at sex than you.”

Wife: Did my husband say that as well?”

Helen: No, the gardener did.”

Wife: So, how much do you want?”

In reply to kgbcan
🤣🤣🤣

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in the Clubhouse bar...
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

In reply to WestDem

In reply to kgbcan

There's another fishing one, if it has not been posted B4, I will look for it and post it.

In reply to kgbcan

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked. Rather tentatively she replied, "I would like it infrequently ".

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

In reply to Kay
😀😀

Blonde went to see her Doctor...

Doctor my bottom hurts.

Doc: "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"

Blonde: "Right around the entrance."

Doc: "As long as you call it entrance it will hurt."

In reply to Kay

In reply to kgbcan

A grasshopper sits down at a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Who names a drink 'Steve'?"

jamaican joke:
Huaband to wife after waking up early morning,"Sonia darlin me gat a wicked stiff neck","why yuh get a stiff neck" the wife asked,"me sleep without me pyjama top and the window was open so me get a chill",wife tell em,when yuh go bed tonight yuh must sleep without yuh pyjama bottom with the window open".

In reply to granite

In reply to granite

In reply to granite

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a wrench.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'you b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a wrench.'

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You Fu*king b*stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'for fifteen years I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a fu*king wrench, he said he didn't have one!'

In reply to granite
🤣🤣🤣

In reply to kgbcan

In reply to kgbcan

What a bastard!!

Johnny, a businessman, makes a trip to China to meet Mr. Ying, the boss of a big Chinese company.

He arrives at night and is bored so he goes to a brothel. There he asks for the hottest girl they have and goes on to have sex with her. He takes her from behind and the girl is moaning like he has never heard before.

She seems to be really enjoying the action and screams: "ting pow, ting pow."

Johnny doesn't speak Chinese but he figures it means something like "great, awesome".

After he is done, he goes to sleep in his hotel room.

The next day he gets a call from Mr. Ying. He tells him that it's such a beautiful day, so why not meet on the golf course to do their business.

Johnny is okay with that and so he takes a taxi to the golf course.

At the 7th hole Mr. Ying pulls off a hole-in-one.

Johnny tries to impress Mr. Ying with a little Chinese he learned the night before and says: "ting pow", Mr. Ying! ting pow!"

Mr. Ying looks a little confused and asks: "What do you mean, wrong hole?“

In reply to Kay

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it
was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight
to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the
bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried again to take
the step, only to discover again that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once more reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step. Once again, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more, and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

The young lady went ballistic! She turned to the would-be Samaritan
and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you
are! I could have you arrested for sexual assault!"

The big Texan smiled and drawled: "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
we was friends."

A skinny little white guy stepped into an elevator, looked up and saw this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy saw the little guy staring at him, looked down and said, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch ding-dong, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man immediately fainted and fell to the floor. The big guy knelt down and brought him to by shaking him. The big guy said, "What's wrong with you?"

In a week voice the little guy said, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, " Well, I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you an answers to the questions everyone always wants to ask me, but never does. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch ding-dong, my left testicle weights 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy said " Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'TURN AROUND'"!!!! Whew!

A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly
gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a
few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with
him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!

"What was that?" she asks.

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "it's just
someone getting a hole drilled in their head so
they can be fitted for their halo."

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this
one even more terrible than the one before.

"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.

"Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just
someone getting holes drilled in their back so
they can be fitted for their wings."

The lady starts to back away.

"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go
downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the
lady.

"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped
and sodomized!"

"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for
that.

In reply to kgbcan

An illiterate West Indian man and his educated son (Phd in Astronomy) went on a camping trip.
As night approached, they set up their tent and went to sleep.
Some hours later, the father wakes his son and asks him, "Boy, Look up in de sky and tell me what you see?".
The son pauses contemplatively and then says: " I see a vast array of stars"
Father: "So what dat tell you boy?"
Son: "Astronomically, It indicates that there are millions of solar systems and it follows that there are billions of planets"
Father: "No, yuh idiot, it mean dat somebody carry we we so-an-so tent!!"

In reply to culpepperboy

An old lady was looking for crap lice on her pubic area, not noticing her grandson was watching.
Then she let go one hard fart!
Her grandson shout out "YES GRANDMA! WHAT YOU CAN'T KILL, SHOOT!!!"

In reply to tops

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

In reply to tops

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"

"And so, here we are!"

In reply to Kay

What do the trees say during springtime?

“Well, this is a re-leaf