In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it
was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight
to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the
bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried again to take
the step, only to discover again that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once more reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step. Once again, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more, and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

The young lady went ballistic! She turned to the would-be Samaritan
and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you
are! I could have you arrested for sexual assault!"

The big Texan smiled and drawled: "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
we was friends."

A skinny little white guy stepped into an elevator, looked up and saw this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy saw the little guy staring at him, looked down and said, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch ding-dong, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man immediately fainted and fell to the floor. The big guy knelt down and brought him to by shaking him. The big guy said, "What's wrong with you?"

In a week voice the little guy said, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, " Well, I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you an answers to the questions everyone always wants to ask me, but never does. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch ding-dong, my left testicle weights 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy said " Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'TURN AROUND'"!!!! Whew!

A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly
gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a
few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with
him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!

"What was that?" she asks.

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "it's just
someone getting a hole drilled in their head so
they can be fitted for their halo."

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this
one even more terrible than the one before.

"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.

"Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just
someone getting holes drilled in their back so
they can be fitted for their wings."

The lady starts to back away.

"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go
downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the
lady.

"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped
and sodomized!"

"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for
that.

In reply to kgbcan

An illiterate West Indian man and his educated son (Phd in Astronomy) went on a camping trip.
As night approached, they set up their tent and went to sleep.
Some hours later, the father wakes his son and asks him, "Boy, Look up in de sky and tell me what you see?".
The son pauses contemplatively and then says: " I see a vast array of stars"
Father: "So what dat tell you boy?"
Son: "Astronomically, It indicates that there are millions of solar systems and it follows that there are billions of planets"
Father: "No, yuh idiot, it mean dat somebody carry we we so-an-so tent!!"

In reply to culpepperboy

An old lady was looking for crap lice on her pubic area, not noticing her grandson was watching.
Then she let go one hard fart!
Her grandson shout out "YES GRANDMA! WHAT YOU CAN'T KILL, SHOOT!!!"

In reply to tops

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

In reply to tops

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"

"And so, here we are!"

In reply to Kay

What do the trees say during springtime?

“Well, this is a re-leaf

In reply to culpepperboy

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

In reply to Headley

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded."Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies."Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450, or $5400 annually. Not accounting for inflation, you have spent $108,000 in the last 20 years! That money could 've been put into an investment account and, after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you would now have enough money to buy a Ferrari.

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?